“America is a failed social experiment” is what Cornell West uttered on CNN, while the country was steeped in protest. Looking on I can’t help but agree. This land has failed to generate on its promises and its constituents are lashing out in profound and incredibly reasonable ways. Make no mistake, when enough pressure is applied the pipe will burst and with a force never felt by those that never thought to check the plumbing. Besides an overflowed metaphorical bathroom, those that never noticed are left with three choices to respond with. Ambivalence, denial, or a journey into Anti-racism. Only one of these choices allows one to fully love people enough to actively fight for them every day.

The weekend of May 29th when protests across the country began to spark, I encountered various Facebook posts making note of the protests but spending most of their status condemning the riots that were also happening. Despite the developments signaling that we are not entirely sure who was rioting, condemning riots seemed to be taking up a lot of space on my feed. We have a limited emotional capacity to talk about things of this importance, and the topic of racism most likely depletes our supply at an exponential rate. So how we are using our time and energy in what we are saying is important. Speaking out against the rioting is a real threat to the conversation at large, and a hill that is not worth dying on. It essentially treating the symptoms without taking the steps to eradicate the disease. America’s failure to conjure justice and the opportunities this country has promised has pushed black people to the edge. The failure in adequately understanding this line of thought is a denial of the truth in why and how we arrived here.

There is no in-between in this fight. One is either racist, with ambivalence being relegated in this category, or staunchly antiracist with every bone in their body. Not actively participate in the dismantling of the racist power structure that is at hand in our country is to be an active participant in that very system.

I have to pause here, because before I came to finish this piece I had to give a presentation at work. I detailed ways everyone can contribute to the fight against injustice, advocate for antiracist policy, and provide resources that educate. By the end of the presentation, I was in tears. After my coworkers told me that they want to support me and they empathize with me and my community, I broke down. Reading the names of all the people we lost when I introduced the moment of silence made me realize that I didn’t feel like I belonged in this country. The victims of this country’s violent alienation are vast, so where could I even fit in?

I spent these past few weeks being angry. I was quite upset when I typed the second paragraph. But now I realize that I just want to belong. The idea of belonging has informed so much of my life for the past few years. I have always thought of it functioning in my religion or interpersonal relationships, and the trauma I experienced from not belonging. Imagine this trauma on a nationwide scale while also seeing people of a lighter skin color be openly embraced. And safe. To not belong in this country puts you in immediate danger. This nation is not constructed to embrace what it deems “others”, it eradicates and replaces. It did not only start with the Trail of Tears and was perpetuated in George Floyd’s lynching.

To not be embraced may be one of the greatest emotional struggles a heart can encounter. And when we are not embraced we are prone to lash out. Who doesn’t want to belong? If we are to reshape the reality we see into something that is more equitable and antiracist, we need to ensure that black and brown people truly belong in this country. However, America was not built to do just that, so we need to change its course. We need to redefine what being an American is and not only through words but through structural change. Create a structure that loves its people.